Wednesday, April 30, 2003
i found my girls! i found my girls!!!
i found the livejournal links of my girls!! heh heh heh.
now they'll never be rid of me... even when they go off to college.
sigh. miss them already. *sniff*
i found the livejournal links of my girls!! heh heh heh.
now they'll never be rid of me... even when they go off to college.
sigh. miss them already. *sniff*
Tuesday, April 29, 2003
in light of all the things going on in this world... my musings are really trivial... not that these truths are trivial in themselves...
Monday, April 28, 2003
frustrated...
so many people still trapped in enemy's lies.
my wounds and brokenness are still healing too.
people still don't get it... that it's not about doing good... it's about being good...already.
it's not just about God's glory... it's about receiving God's love... personally. intimately.
it's not just about God's word... it's about the God behind the word.
it's about letting the Spirit of Truth lead us into all truths.
Holy Spirit, more of You... less of us... more of You.
so many people still trapped in enemy's lies.
my wounds and brokenness are still healing too.
people still don't get it... that it's not about doing good... it's about being good...already.
it's not just about God's glory... it's about receiving God's love... personally. intimately.
it's not just about God's word... it's about the God behind the word.
it's about letting the Spirit of Truth lead us into all truths.
Holy Spirit, more of You... less of us... more of You.
Sunday, April 27, 2003
I'm teaching an adult Sunday School class on Old Testament surveys this term. I'm always a bit intimidated by intellectuals, and especially older intellectual men. This morning, I had a class of 11 people with 7 men, and 3 of them are dads, and 2 of them have Ph D's. think God's trying to tell me somethin'?
*grin* All my insecurities about not being intellectual enough were stirred up. My intimidation of older men, my old wounds of being labeled as "emotional" rather than "logical" simply because i'm passionate, and my people pleasing tendencies all came at me. i know that God's divinely given me the privilege of "teaching" this class, and people have been learning things in the class... but...
am i really good enuf?
That is when God's Truth gets tested through fire. I sat in the classroom before people came in, and the Holy Spirit reminded me... of how He transformed the lowly fisherman into passionate disciples of Christ. And if He can do that with them, He can certainly use me to teach His word. Ultimately, it was not about how much knowledge we have of the scripture... it was about whether i will allow Him to lead and to obey in trust. He chose me for a reason, not because i'm better, but that He wanted to use me. His annointing is simply that... undeserved favor from the Lord.
The class session turned out alright, with the usual awkward silent moments and other things that i still need to brush up as a young teacher. But, i know that whatever the Lord has put on my heart to share, i did. And He blessed those insights, and ministered to people. I pleased the only One who's opinion really mattered - my Real Boss.
And the bondage of fear.... of men... of pleasing people... or my inadequacies... loosed it's grip on me - this time.
Zech 4:6
Not By Might - By Sharon Damazio
You did not choose the wise
You did not choose the noble
You did not choose the mighty or the strong
But you went to the field of the broken
and You looked for a vessel of clay
For the one who would wholly surrender
For the one who would trust and obey
It's not by might, not by power
But by my Spirit, says the Lord
Not by might, not by power
But bymy Spirit, says the Lord
Copyright 2000 City Bible Music
*grin* All my insecurities about not being intellectual enough were stirred up. My intimidation of older men, my old wounds of being labeled as "emotional" rather than "logical" simply because i'm passionate, and my people pleasing tendencies all came at me. i know that God's divinely given me the privilege of "teaching" this class, and people have been learning things in the class... but...
am i really good enuf?
That is when God's Truth gets tested through fire. I sat in the classroom before people came in, and the Holy Spirit reminded me... of how He transformed the lowly fisherman into passionate disciples of Christ. And if He can do that with them, He can certainly use me to teach His word. Ultimately, it was not about how much knowledge we have of the scripture... it was about whether i will allow Him to lead and to obey in trust. He chose me for a reason, not because i'm better, but that He wanted to use me. His annointing is simply that... undeserved favor from the Lord.
The class session turned out alright, with the usual awkward silent moments and other things that i still need to brush up as a young teacher. But, i know that whatever the Lord has put on my heart to share, i did. And He blessed those insights, and ministered to people. I pleased the only One who's opinion really mattered - my Real Boss.
And the bondage of fear.... of men... of pleasing people... or my inadequacies... loosed it's grip on me - this time.
Zech 4:6
Not By Might - By Sharon Damazio
You did not choose the wise
You did not choose the noble
You did not choose the mighty or the strong
But you went to the field of the broken
and You looked for a vessel of clay
For the one who would wholly surrender
For the one who would trust and obey
It's not by might, not by power
But by my Spirit, says the Lord
Not by might, not by power
But bymy Spirit, says the Lord
Copyright 2000 City Bible Music
Friday, April 25, 2003
Got a book called "Ruthless Trust" by Brannon Manning for my birthday... think God's trying to tell me somethin'?
almost afraid to admit to myself how empty i feel sometimes, especially after a really great connecting time with people. I think there IS something special about gathering together with like-minded brothers and sisters and just engage the Lord in prayer. Wow... that kind of connectedness. But, the real test comes when we go home... and God takes away those "training wheels"... the first part of the transition somehow doesn't get easier. The acute sense of being alone, again. The "awakening" process of tuning in to His voice and my longings. The becoming *still*.
This is something that i heard tonite. hoping that as i post this... those who read this will be as blessed as i was:
"There is only *one* ministry that we can do where no one ELSE can do better than we can in this world, EVER... It is our ministry to Jesus. We can be great teachers, but we can probably find someone who can teach better than us. We can be annointed worship leaders, but there will probably be other more annointed worship leaders out there somewhere. But, there is only 1 ministry where no one else can replace us before the Lord... ministering unto Jesus, loving onto the Lord. To Jesus, no one can replace you, and no one can replace me in our relationship with Him. That is our ministry, to love our Lord."
almost afraid to admit to myself how empty i feel sometimes, especially after a really great connecting time with people. I think there IS something special about gathering together with like-minded brothers and sisters and just engage the Lord in prayer. Wow... that kind of connectedness. But, the real test comes when we go home... and God takes away those "training wheels"... the first part of the transition somehow doesn't get easier. The acute sense of being alone, again. The "awakening" process of tuning in to His voice and my longings. The becoming *still*.
This is something that i heard tonite. hoping that as i post this... those who read this will be as blessed as i was:
"There is only *one* ministry that we can do where no one ELSE can do better than we can in this world, EVER... It is our ministry to Jesus. We can be great teachers, but we can probably find someone who can teach better than us. We can be annointed worship leaders, but there will probably be other more annointed worship leaders out there somewhere. But, there is only 1 ministry where no one else can replace us before the Lord... ministering unto Jesus, loving onto the Lord. To Jesus, no one can replace you, and no one can replace me in our relationship with Him. That is our ministry, to love our Lord."
Monday, April 14, 2003
need... more... down... time...
need... more... time... with... God...
can't... get... myself... away... from... people... (not their fault... i just really enjoy hanging out with friends)
...people are still more tangible than God is sometimes... but intimacy with people is still not as satisfying as intimacy with God. SO WHY AM I HAVING SUCH A HARD TIME CHOOSING GOD?!
maybe it's 'cause:
* when you're with people, you can hide. But you can't hide with God.
* when you're with people, you can distract yourself from the real problem, but God wants us to deal with the issues.
* when you're with people... there's an instant gratification to know they're physically there... even if they're not emotionally there. But with God... i *might* not always sense His presence... but when i do... it beats out people's physical presence ANY DAY.
go figure. the journey goes on.
need... more... time... with... God...
can't... get... myself... away... from... people... (not their fault... i just really enjoy hanging out with friends)
...people are still more tangible than God is sometimes... but intimacy with people is still not as satisfying as intimacy with God. SO WHY AM I HAVING SUCH A HARD TIME CHOOSING GOD?!
maybe it's 'cause:
* when you're with people, you can hide. But you can't hide with God.
* when you're with people, you can distract yourself from the real problem, but God wants us to deal with the issues.
* when you're with people... there's an instant gratification to know they're physically there... even if they're not emotionally there. But with God... i *might* not always sense His presence... but when i do... it beats out people's physical presence ANY DAY.
go figure. the journey goes on.
Friday, April 11, 2003
wow... it's been 2 weeks since my last blog. Almost sounds like a confessional! :P
Only 2 weeks, but a lot of breakthrough. Yes! More, Lord, more! No room for false humility here. This is exciting stuff! I also know that this is my season of breakthrough. Seasons change... This season will end at some time, and transition into other seasons for His good, pleasing and perfect purpose. So for now... i want ALL that God has for us during this season of breakthrough. Go God Go!!
The most frustrating part of partnering with God has got to be... not being able to share with people along the way as things are happening. Sometimes, there's just no one around you that would understand or affirm you in what God has shown you. So you hide these promises in you heart until they come to pass. Sometimes, what He's revealing to you is simply too incriminating. So you have to just sit and pray about it until God breaks through. :) Even this part has the sweet rewards... nothing like keeping God's secrets and seeing His heart.
Been wanting more of God's giftings. Funny, never really hit me that you can *ask* for Spiritual gifts. "Eagerly desire spiritual gifts" 1 cor. 14:1. Part of me almost felt too Chinese in asking... like... "no, that's ok... i already have so much... i don't need more... if i get more... then what would other people do?" ha ha ha. As if God gives us too much, He won't have enough to give to other people. :) Well, in any case. The thing is that when He gives us more gifts... there are also more refining and more surrendering involved. He refines our character so that His gifts won't break us... like in pride or distract us away from Him. Always a trade off... as if God was asking... count your cost. Do you *really* want this. And it's like... do i have a choice?! I've tasted this... i'm ruined for anything less. :)
i pray that i will ALWAYS be seeking the heart of God... and not just the hand of God.
Only 2 weeks, but a lot of breakthrough. Yes! More, Lord, more! No room for false humility here. This is exciting stuff! I also know that this is my season of breakthrough. Seasons change... This season will end at some time, and transition into other seasons for His good, pleasing and perfect purpose. So for now... i want ALL that God has for us during this season of breakthrough. Go God Go!!
The most frustrating part of partnering with God has got to be... not being able to share with people along the way as things are happening. Sometimes, there's just no one around you that would understand or affirm you in what God has shown you. So you hide these promises in you heart until they come to pass. Sometimes, what He's revealing to you is simply too incriminating. So you have to just sit and pray about it until God breaks through. :) Even this part has the sweet rewards... nothing like keeping God's secrets and seeing His heart.
Been wanting more of God's giftings. Funny, never really hit me that you can *ask* for Spiritual gifts. "Eagerly desire spiritual gifts" 1 cor. 14:1. Part of me almost felt too Chinese in asking... like... "no, that's ok... i already have so much... i don't need more... if i get more... then what would other people do?" ha ha ha. As if God gives us too much, He won't have enough to give to other people. :) Well, in any case. The thing is that when He gives us more gifts... there are also more refining and more surrendering involved. He refines our character so that His gifts won't break us... like in pride or distract us away from Him. Always a trade off... as if God was asking... count your cost. Do you *really* want this. And it's like... do i have a choice?! I've tasted this... i'm ruined for anything less. :)
i pray that i will ALWAYS be seeking the heart of God... and not just the hand of God.
