Friday, March 28, 2003
dying to self.
not something that feels very good. but the flesh and the Holy Spirit run contrary to each other. You cannot cling onto the one and still wish for the other to flourish. One of them must go. We can choose either to feed the flesh and wither the Spirit, or kill the flesh and allow the Spirit full reign in our lives. Often times, when our pride is hurt, when we stop our people pleasing tendencies, when we stop feeding our loneliness the false pleasures... our flesh cringes. Our old self cries out in desperate pain and hunger. But that is when our inner man rises up!! For the flesh has given up it's ugly clutches on us, and the Holy Spirit has taken over! Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, fiathfulness, gentleness and self-control.
"Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation--but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live," Romans 8:12-13
not something that feels very good. but the flesh and the Holy Spirit run contrary to each other. You cannot cling onto the one and still wish for the other to flourish. One of them must go. We can choose either to feed the flesh and wither the Spirit, or kill the flesh and allow the Spirit full reign in our lives. Often times, when our pride is hurt, when we stop our people pleasing tendencies, when we stop feeding our loneliness the false pleasures... our flesh cringes. Our old self cries out in desperate pain and hunger. But that is when our inner man rises up!! For the flesh has given up it's ugly clutches on us, and the Holy Spirit has taken over! Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, fiathfulness, gentleness and self-control.
"Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation--but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live," Romans 8:12-13
Tuesday, March 25, 2003
changed my background.
maybe NOW people will take me seriously! ;)
maybe NOW people will take me seriously! ;)
 | Tenderheart Bear |
i kno, i kno, the Pink-ness of this page is getting to me too. need to change the backdrop soon. Tough part is having the time to redo the links and such. *blech* too much work.
One thing good about being in ministry is that people in ministry tend to find the Best Bargains... :) heh heh heh. Don't ask me how or why, i just know that God gives me *discounts*. :D
One of my recent finds is "Beginner's Guide to Fasting" by Elmer Towns. Easy read, and a lot of practical tips on Why we fast, How to fast, and different reasons for fasting. All in all, a great little book on "seeking the heart of God", and not just the hand of God. :) Here is a quote from this book:
"The greatest reason to fast is not to get great answers to prayer... the greatest benefit about fasting and prayer is that it helps us to know God as never before. It help us become quiet and focus on God so we can recognize Him when He touches us." p.63
Been thirsty for His word too... but somehow, He won't release me to read in *chunks* that i would have liked... He wants me to meditate on His word, enjoy it, *savor* it, and not to gorge on it. So I've been dwelling on John 15... *STILL*. :) But today, had a few more morsels:
"If the Lord delights in a man's way, He makes his steps firm.
Though he stumbles, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with His hand." Ps 37:24
well, the whole Psalm 37 has been a blessing to me, actually. And each time i read it, something different jumps out at me. Recently, i've also been acutely aware of how *sharp* and *destructive* my words have been. Sharp words that came out withOUT going through my brain. SIGH. That's why v 24 comforted me so much. Altho' i stumbled, but the Lord will uphold me with His hand.
and of course... here are some of the key verses the Lord continues to remind me of:
Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the Lord
and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:3-4
One of my recent finds is "Beginner's Guide to Fasting" by Elmer Towns. Easy read, and a lot of practical tips on Why we fast, How to fast, and different reasons for fasting. All in all, a great little book on "seeking the heart of God", and not just the hand of God. :) Here is a quote from this book:
"The greatest reason to fast is not to get great answers to prayer... the greatest benefit about fasting and prayer is that it helps us to know God as never before. It help us become quiet and focus on God so we can recognize Him when He touches us." p.63
Been thirsty for His word too... but somehow, He won't release me to read in *chunks* that i would have liked... He wants me to meditate on His word, enjoy it, *savor* it, and not to gorge on it. So I've been dwelling on John 15... *STILL*. :) But today, had a few more morsels:
"If the Lord delights in a man's way, He makes his steps firm.
Though he stumbles, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with His hand." Ps 37:24
well, the whole Psalm 37 has been a blessing to me, actually. And each time i read it, something different jumps out at me. Recently, i've also been acutely aware of how *sharp* and *destructive* my words have been. Sharp words that came out withOUT going through my brain. SIGH. That's why v 24 comforted me so much. Altho' i stumbled, but the Lord will uphold me with His hand.
and of course... here are some of the key verses the Lord continues to remind me of:
Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the Lord
and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:3-4
Saturday, March 22, 2003
frustration. i think i'm relearning a lot of things. hardest part about learning to rest in Him is... having to fight the mentality of methodology. thinking what can i do to "enter into the rest." The frustrating part is that sometimes, the hunger pains are so strong that i can't think about anyone else but me... what can i do to ease the pain. What can i do to get God so i can ease my pain?
I just realized that i don't really believe people when they tell me how much i mean to them. Somehow i just block it out. Same thing with God. I don't really believe people when they tell me that God really loves me. I just don't receive it. These words just bounce off of me. One of my friend emailed me and mentioned how she really appreciates me, and i just emotionally tuned out that sentence too. It's weird that i all of a sudden started to realize how i harden my hearts when people show their love for me. Kinda inquired the Lord about it, and i looked a little deeper at my "automatic" shield... One of the root was that i was afraid. What if they take back what they said after i really believed them? "They say that now, but they don't really mean it.", i would think. I was so afraid of really believing them, and then being disillusioned if they should ever change their minds. I was so afraid of being hurt that i just stopped believing people when they loved on me, including God.
i realized that when i approach God. Most of the time, the picture that comes up is a God who's back is turned toward me. Not His face, but His back. And most of the time, i feel like i need to be in a certain state or have a certain desperation for me to have His attention. Lately, God's been reminding me that His face is always turned toward me. That I ALWAYS have the attention of The King. :) In fact, His thoughts toward me are probably more than i've EVER thought about Him. And my voice brings Him delight. *grin* I make God happy. :) He loves me.
I just realized that i don't really believe people when they tell me how much i mean to them. Somehow i just block it out. Same thing with God. I don't really believe people when they tell me that God really loves me. I just don't receive it. These words just bounce off of me. One of my friend emailed me and mentioned how she really appreciates me, and i just emotionally tuned out that sentence too. It's weird that i all of a sudden started to realize how i harden my hearts when people show their love for me. Kinda inquired the Lord about it, and i looked a little deeper at my "automatic" shield... One of the root was that i was afraid. What if they take back what they said after i really believed them? "They say that now, but they don't really mean it.", i would think. I was so afraid of really believing them, and then being disillusioned if they should ever change their minds. I was so afraid of being hurt that i just stopped believing people when they loved on me, including God.
i realized that when i approach God. Most of the time, the picture that comes up is a God who's back is turned toward me. Not His face, but His back. And most of the time, i feel like i need to be in a certain state or have a certain desperation for me to have His attention. Lately, God's been reminding me that His face is always turned toward me. That I ALWAYS have the attention of The King. :) In fact, His thoughts toward me are probably more than i've EVER thought about Him. And my voice brings Him delight. *grin* I make God happy. :) He loves me.
Saturday, March 15, 2003
A friend who recently became a mom wondered, if God gives a special measure of intimacy to those with the gift of singleness. I thought about it a bit. I don't think necessarily, that God would give *only* the single people a larger portion, but i do think that only those who have truly tasted intimacy with God in abundance would be *crazy* enough to willingly choose singleness over marriage.
Jesus Freaks. I've been doing a lot of weird things lately. I drove 30 min. one night just to catch a fellowship meeting where i think God's might "show up." If my seminary classmates read this, they'd think i'm a heretic... "But God is ALWAYS WITH YOU." True, He is... but there are times and places where He will pour out more intensely, and i found myself driving 30 min. after a long and hard day... to simply get a *drink* of Him. I am obsessed. I am lovesick for Him.
After a 6 weeks journey, i find myself going back to square 1. Rest in Him. How to deal with longings and misplaced affections? Return to His presence. How to deal with jealousy? Rest in Him. How to deal with selfish pride? Gaze on Him.
We're not hungry enough for Him. We're not thirsty enough for Him. Most of the time, we don't really want Him. We can sing the songs all we want... and emotions may run high... but the truth is that... most of us... most of the time... don't *really* want God. We just want to get quick fixes so we can get on with life.
no more... no more. i don't ever want to go back. Longings will be filled. Thirsts will be quenched. But pity those who don't realize they are naked, poor, wretched and blind, for they will never ask, and will never receive.
Jesus Freaks. I've been doing a lot of weird things lately. I drove 30 min. one night just to catch a fellowship meeting where i think God's might "show up." If my seminary classmates read this, they'd think i'm a heretic... "But God is ALWAYS WITH YOU." True, He is... but there are times and places where He will pour out more intensely, and i found myself driving 30 min. after a long and hard day... to simply get a *drink* of Him. I am obsessed. I am lovesick for Him.
After a 6 weeks journey, i find myself going back to square 1. Rest in Him. How to deal with longings and misplaced affections? Return to His presence. How to deal with jealousy? Rest in Him. How to deal with selfish pride? Gaze on Him.
We're not hungry enough for Him. We're not thirsty enough for Him. Most of the time, we don't really want Him. We can sing the songs all we want... and emotions may run high... but the truth is that... most of us... most of the time... don't *really* want God. We just want to get quick fixes so we can get on with life.
no more... no more. i don't ever want to go back. Longings will be filled. Thirsts will be quenched. But pity those who don't realize they are naked, poor, wretched and blind, for they will never ask, and will never receive.
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
Even God knew that my life's been *too* intense lately...
This weekend has been times of Food, Folks and FUN!! (well, i suppose everyone has their definition of fun...)
* This saturday, i went to a prayer meeting at a friend's house... and it was SOOOOOOOOO FUN! :) (told ya i had a different definition of fun) It was like finally being able to stretch my wings with people that are like me. It felt like coming home. We prayed, sang, prayed some more, cried, danced, sang, prayed... for a whole 2.5 hours... at least! :) And the presence of God was so full, that we were just having sooo much fun. Dude, if anyone *really* tasted the kind of goodness, joy and fun in the Lord, they wouldn't settle for cheap thrills or cheap distractions... this doesn't even cost us any $$... just time, and accepting His invitation!
* We had a girl's nite out this Sunday with a few girlfriends. Thank You, Jesus.... You really know how to have a good time! (I'm telling ya, God is soooo fun. :) It was such a blessing to me... because i had wanted to do the "City" thing for a while... but driving around SF is just a bit... unnerving. :P One of the girls was a SF native, so she drove us around. We spent a beautiful sunny afternoon at Pier 39... watched a great jugglin' show, had some fried calamari, enjoyed the ocean view, took pictures with the tulips in full bloom (reminded me of the Portland tulip fields), had some AWESOME crepe (strawberry/banana/nutella/whipped cream - gotta try this!!), window shopped. Can we say PERFECT date?! ;)
THEN we went to dinner at a Moroccan restaurant... boy oh boy... the food was simply AWESOME (sigh... i'm startin' to sound like a valley girl - like it's sooooo cool) Yum yum... Eating with your hands is surprisingly fun and enjoyable! To top off the evening, there was belly dancing!! o__O HA HA HA! This is where it's great being a girl - i Looooooved the dancer! She was sooo graceful and the moves were just beautiful. At the end of the night, we all stood up and danced with her!! And she was so gracious that she taught us the moves! fun, Fun, FUN! :)
God, You *really* do know the desires of our hearts... and You *are* a God who gives good gifts to Your kids. I couldn't have planned a better date... in fact... i don't think i've had a better date. Sigh. Satisfaction. :)
This weekend has been times of Food, Folks and FUN!! (well, i suppose everyone has their definition of fun...)
* This saturday, i went to a prayer meeting at a friend's house... and it was SOOOOOOOOO FUN! :) (told ya i had a different definition of fun) It was like finally being able to stretch my wings with people that are like me. It felt like coming home. We prayed, sang, prayed some more, cried, danced, sang, prayed... for a whole 2.5 hours... at least! :) And the presence of God was so full, that we were just having sooo much fun. Dude, if anyone *really* tasted the kind of goodness, joy and fun in the Lord, they wouldn't settle for cheap thrills or cheap distractions... this doesn't even cost us any $$... just time, and accepting His invitation!
* We had a girl's nite out this Sunday with a few girlfriends. Thank You, Jesus.... You really know how to have a good time! (I'm telling ya, God is soooo fun. :) It was such a blessing to me... because i had wanted to do the "City" thing for a while... but driving around SF is just a bit... unnerving. :P One of the girls was a SF native, so she drove us around. We spent a beautiful sunny afternoon at Pier 39... watched a great jugglin' show, had some fried calamari, enjoyed the ocean view, took pictures with the tulips in full bloom (reminded me of the Portland tulip fields), had some AWESOME crepe (strawberry/banana/nutella/whipped cream - gotta try this!!), window shopped. Can we say PERFECT date?! ;)
THEN we went to dinner at a Moroccan restaurant... boy oh boy... the food was simply AWESOME (sigh... i'm startin' to sound like a valley girl - like it's sooooo cool) Yum yum... Eating with your hands is surprisingly fun and enjoyable! To top off the evening, there was belly dancing!! o__O HA HA HA! This is where it's great being a girl - i Looooooved the dancer! She was sooo graceful and the moves were just beautiful. At the end of the night, we all stood up and danced with her!! And she was so gracious that she taught us the moves! fun, Fun, FUN! :)
God, You *really* do know the desires of our hearts... and You *are* a God who gives good gifts to Your kids. I couldn't have planned a better date... in fact... i don't think i've had a better date. Sigh. Satisfaction. :)
Thursday, March 06, 2003
Longings - part 2.
Lesson in pain. The longings have now lessened to a dull ache. Why doesn't God take it away? And why won't He let me take a "spiritual tylenol" and distract myself from the pain? "So that it will lead us to lean on His grace more, and grasp harder onto His peace," answered my mentor.
That's what it's been like for the last month or so. A mountain top experience followed by a deepening work of issues and pain, which leads you to deeper encounters with the Lord. Stripped away are our self-protective instinct, and our self-reliance... and all that's left is the understanding that...
we are dust.
He knows all, and we know nothing.
aside from Him, we have nothing.
futility of the wisdom of men & depth of the wisdom of God.
Wisdom is of the Lord
by Joseph Chung
O' Lord my God;
True wisdom can only be found in You,
True knowledge is found in You.
All my life I have searched
In all the high and low places;
All my days I have searched
Among ivory towers and college campuses;
All my nights I have searched
In every nooks and crannies of cyberspace.
Much information I have found,
Much knowledge I have gained.
Yet, wisdom remains elusive and lacking.
Where indeed shall I seek for true wisdom?
I shall seek it in the Word of God.
I shall seek Him all the days of my life.
It is in His Word where true knowledge lies.
It is in Him where true wisdom resides.
O' Lord my God;
Let Your Word enlighten my darkened heart,
Let Your Word renew my depraved faculty.
Empower my spirit with the true knowledge of You.
Wisdom is of the Lord.
Lesson in pain. The longings have now lessened to a dull ache. Why doesn't God take it away? And why won't He let me take a "spiritual tylenol" and distract myself from the pain? "So that it will lead us to lean on His grace more, and grasp harder onto His peace," answered my mentor.
That's what it's been like for the last month or so. A mountain top experience followed by a deepening work of issues and pain, which leads you to deeper encounters with the Lord. Stripped away are our self-protective instinct, and our self-reliance... and all that's left is the understanding that...
we are dust.
He knows all, and we know nothing.
aside from Him, we have nothing.
futility of the wisdom of men & depth of the wisdom of God.
Wisdom is of the Lord
by Joseph Chung
O' Lord my God;
True wisdom can only be found in You,
True knowledge is found in You.
All my life I have searched
In all the high and low places;
All my days I have searched
Among ivory towers and college campuses;
All my nights I have searched
In every nooks and crannies of cyberspace.
Much information I have found,
Much knowledge I have gained.
Yet, wisdom remains elusive and lacking.
Where indeed shall I seek for true wisdom?
I shall seek it in the Word of God.
I shall seek Him all the days of my life.
It is in His Word where true knowledge lies.
It is in Him where true wisdom resides.
O' Lord my God;
Let Your Word enlighten my darkened heart,
Let Your Word renew my depraved faculty.
Empower my spirit with the true knowledge of You.
Wisdom is of the Lord.
Saturday, March 01, 2003
Longings.
Longings so deep that the soul screams. Happens more often than any of us like to admit. The deep abyss that threatens to take us down into it's unfulfillment. We all have it. The difference is where we hide them, and how we *medicate* the pain.
Reading through a book called "Risking Intimacy" by Nancy Groom. Great book... make sure you read along with it's designated companion - Holy Spirit. :) When we risk letting someone in or close to our hearts... we risk diappointment. We surrender control. We await our verdict. Will they respond? Will they take one look at what we have to offer and leave? Will they scoff? or... will they... could they possibly... choose to stay?
Funny thing... Why did God create us with the freedom of choice. Why did an all powerful being choose to *risk* His love and heart to the possibility of being rejected? ... Does that glorious moment of *connection* really mean that much to Him? Is intimacy *truly* worth the pricetag of possible disappointments or even repeated rejection?!
We protect our hearts. Don't risk. Don't hope. Do we dare hope... for those moments of *true fulfillment*... of knowing and being known. of loving and being loved.
We are known, we are loved. Do we *dare* accept this offer...?
Longings so deep that the soul screams. Happens more often than any of us like to admit. The deep abyss that threatens to take us down into it's unfulfillment. We all have it. The difference is where we hide them, and how we *medicate* the pain.
Reading through a book called "Risking Intimacy" by Nancy Groom. Great book... make sure you read along with it's designated companion - Holy Spirit. :) When we risk letting someone in or close to our hearts... we risk diappointment. We surrender control. We await our verdict. Will they respond? Will they take one look at what we have to offer and leave? Will they scoff? or... will they... could they possibly... choose to stay?
Funny thing... Why did God create us with the freedom of choice. Why did an all powerful being choose to *risk* His love and heart to the possibility of being rejected? ... Does that glorious moment of *connection* really mean that much to Him? Is intimacy *truly* worth the pricetag of possible disappointments or even repeated rejection?!
We protect our hearts. Don't risk. Don't hope. Do we dare hope... for those moments of *true fulfillment*... of knowing and being known. of loving and being loved.
We are known, we are loved. Do we *dare* accept this offer...?
